One seeks connection/change/resolution, the other seeks to end discussion and limit closeness. That's demand/withdraw [1]. It's not who you are — it's a cycle couples get stuck in.
During her issue, men more likely to withdraw; during his, preoccupied attachment in either partner linked to more demand [1].
Demand/withdraw is associated with dissolution, IPV risk, poor health and low satisfaction [2].
Demand behaviors predict the other withdrawing — and vice versa — both across whole conversations and within 5-min windows [3].
Longitudinally, withdrawal by men and woman-demand/man-withdraw during her-identified issues predicted decline in wives' satisfaction 2.5 years later [4].
Attachment insecurity → lower satisfaction via greater demand/withdraw and demand/demand use over a year, moderated by life stress [5].
Name the cycle, not the person: "We're in the pull-push right now."
Trade goal: not winning issue, restoring responsiveness for 10 minutes.
Regulate before repair: breath, 20-min break with explicit return time.